It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. My last post was about my marriage falling apart and that was 18 months ago. Here I am now, only nine days away from my divorce being final. I know that once it’s over, I’ll feel a huge weight off my shoulders, like I can breathe again. It hasn’t been tense or difficult, I’m just ready for it to finally stop hanging over me.
So today is all about starting over, both here with the blog and in my life. I’m dating, no one serious yet, but I’m learning a lot and getting to experience things I haven’t before. It’s interesting being in your 30’s and going on your first actual date or meeting new people like you would have in your early 20’s had you not gotten married so young. Better late than never, I suppose.
Dating has been an inspiration in my writing lately. Mostly the writing is a distraction so I don’t fall into bad habits that my low self-esteem and anxiety want to push me into. I’ve not been successful with that so much, but it’s a learning process. I thought that during the final years of my marriage I had gained independence and learned to do for myself. I figured when we separated and when I was ready to start dating again, I would be calmer and more sure of myself. Instead, I fell right back into the old habits of begging for attention, trying to hold tight to a guy instead of being sure that he deserves me in the first place. This is something I’m working on.
Knowing my worth is not something that comes easily to me. I’ve never felt worthy or good enough or deserving of something amazing, but I’m starting to now. I’m learning that I refuse to settle, refuse to have to remind someone I exist, refuse to chase after someone that just doesn’t seem interested. I’m a nerd, so I research when I don’t understand something. I don’t understand dating, it’s new to me, so I researched. Everything I find tells me that if a guy is actually interested in me, he’ll come to me, he’ll call, he’ll text, he’ll make sure I know exactly where I stand with him. It’s hard to sit back and wait, it’s hard to accept each new guy isn’t the one, but I’m learning patience (a skill I’ve not possessed in spades before) and I’m learning that I deserve better.